I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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