that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
