plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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