I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
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