I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
