It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
