hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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