wanna go halves on a baby?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
