Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
