I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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