Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
