i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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