I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
