i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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