I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
