not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
