I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
