I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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