I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
