I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
