Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
