My friends, they love my intelligence
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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