got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Randomize
