Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm both gender and math confused
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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