Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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