I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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