hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
