My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Four minutes until I can fart!
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
