So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
