the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
