my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
