please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
