I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
