Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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