I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
