Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
