Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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