My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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