It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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