Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
