I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Every concussion has its silver lining
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I want to be your penis for a week.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
