What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
