i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
