You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
