He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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