god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Success! We fucked roommates!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
