I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
