i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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