at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize