using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize