she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Let's get the cat blown out
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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