2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
