I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
